dylan

I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest, I guess you could say.

First off, I graduate from community college with my associate's degree in young adult education on June 12. I am definitely proud of myself. But after this summer, I am moving to Athens and transferring to Ohio University. I'm afraid for so many reasons. For one, money. I currently don't have a job..I'm hoping to get financial aid and scholarships, but even then I will probably need to get a student loan. I haven't gone through any of that or even applied to the college yet, which I need to do soon. Moving. Well, I live with my mom currently and although independence sounds great, being away from her for the first time is going to be weird and scary...moving in with my sister, who is very irresponsible especially with her money, stresses me out already. Then there's the academic aspect that a university is a lot more difficult than community college and I'm worried I won't do well.

These anxious feelings don't help my depression, which started around 6th grade..it's grown pretty bad in the past 6 months or so-- to the point that I've almost felt numb to the world, to people. I've stopped reaching out and letting myself be me with people. I listen to them but don't talk about me, because I've learned it's best not to get myself involved in people or I will eventually get hurt. I've been very unlike myself the past few weeks especially, not caring about anything I used to care about, thinking a lot about self harm..I finally exploded on my mom. She refused to admit I have anything wrong with me. She said, "We all have issues." and she also said that she's older than me, her life is worse, I have my whole life ahead of me therefore I have no reason to feel the way I do. I didn't say it made sense. Just because things are looking hopeful doesn't mean that suddenly the chemicals in my brain are balanced. My mother disagrees with depression, doesn't believe that it requires medication or that it has anything to do with chemicals. She thinks it has to do with your situation. If things are bad, you're depressed. If they're good, you're not. No- that's called being sad. So my mom refuses to acknowledge that my feelings have any value, which makes me feel 1000000x worse.

I am terrified to talk to people about my feelings...it always drives them away. I become so dependent on people and it scares them, so they bolt. I don't blame them. But now I have difficulty expressing myself towards anyone for fear of what may happen. I've been thinking a lot about going to the mental health center in my town, because I feel like it's not getting better and if I don't get help, something bad is going to happen...the thought of a therapist/counselor who I have to pay to listen to me makes me feel horrible...like I can't find anyone I can trust except someone I have to pay. It sounds pathetic to me and I don't want to feel more pathetic than I am..I don't know if medication would help me, but at this point I really want to do something instead of letting it grow worse.

So, that's my rant, since I feel safe here right now..